Hollywood denies illiteracy charges!

Top Hollywood studios have denied that they are trying to keep audiences stupid..

By remaking every decent foreign film the American movie goers never has to read a subtitle, ever.

We asked studio executive Jerry Wolfowitz, "why?"

Mr. Wolfowitz, or Wolfy, as he likes to be called said, "How can we expect normal people to read and watch at the same time, that's just crazy."

When asked about upcoming remakes, Wolfy told us about some talks being held, but would not go into detail.

We decided to do some investigation of our own.

The first remake they are in "talks" about is Battle Royale.

Battle Royale

"At the dawn of the Millenium, the nation collapsed. At 15% unemployment, 10 million were out of work, 800,000 students boycotted school. The adults lost confidence, and fearing the youth, eventually passed the 'Millenium Educational Reform Act'...AKA: The BR Act." - Opening graphics introduction to Battle Royale

Battle Royale, directed by Kinji Fukasaku, tells the story of a dystopic future in which each year, a randomly-selected 9th grade class is kidnapped and sent to a deserted island where they are equipped with weapons and are forced to kill each other until one survivor is left.

If you have watched it 50+ times, like us, then you know that Hollywood can only fuck it up. And who would play the Takeshi Kitano role, Tom Cruise? We don't think so.

Takeshi Kitano in Battle Royale!

Now, don't get us wrong, we liked the Departed, which is a remake of the Korean film, Infernal Affairs. Ok so the original was better, but the Nicholson, Damon and Leo version was pretty good.

The Departed!

Infernal Affairs!

Unfortunately we were too slow to stop Quarantine, directed by John E. Dowdle which is a remake of the excellent Spanish movie REC.

A TV crew, a girl and a cameraman, follow some firefighters on a normal night. The firemen tell them it is usually pretty boring etc. Then they get a call about an old woman is trapped in her apartment. Then some scary shit happens, and the police seal the building. But the American version Trailer Here they seem to have turned it into Cloverfield, in an apartment block.

Jennifer Carpenter in Quarantine

The worst news we have heard is that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in talks to remake Park Chan-wook's Oldboy, according to Variety. The pair, who have been looking for a project to work on together for some time, are said to be in early discussions about reworking the acclaimed Korean thriller, which centers on a man who is kidnapped and held in a dirty cell for 15 years without explanation.

Steven Spielberg & Will Smith Talking about Oldboy!

Smith would play Oh Dae Su, the imprisoned man – played by Choi Min-sik in the 2003 original – but will probably be renamed to Joe Smith, in the remake, who is freed just as he is about to put an escape plan into practice. He is given money, clothes and a mobile phone and sets out to discover who stole his life from him in order to take revenge.

Spielberg not content with the recent rape of Indiana Jones has chosen Fabian Marquez as the writer.

Spielberg Raping Indiana Jones!

Marquez revealed that he plans to keep the famous one take fight scene in the movie, and that the plot and overall philosophy would not differ from the original.

So why make it then?

He also stated that he would be handing in a rough draft of the script to Universal in Early May, so it will still be a while until production starts. The writer also reassured fans that even the most controversial elements of the original, which dealt with areas such as incest, will still be retained in the remake.

John Cusack has been mentioned as a good possibility for the role of Oh Dae Su's nemesis, Lee Woo Jin – played by Yu Ji-tae in the original.

In the original, when in prison Oh Dae Su was fed dumplings for every meal, which is pretty fucking boring, after day two, but in the Spielberg-Smith version, they would be changed to Tacos.

Oldboy, Dumpling Diet!

Tasty Tacos

One of the most famous scenes is when Oh Dae Su says, “Give me something alive,” in a sushi bar. The female sushi chef gives him a live squid, which he eats.

mmm Tasty Live Squid!

Can you imagine Hollywood doing that, no, neither can we. It will be Will Smith saying “Give me something, sweet.” In a fucking pie shop.

We are begging and pleading with Hollywood to never let Oldboy or Battle Royale be Americanized.

We have also heard some rumors that A Tale of Two Sisters is being remade by Hollywood. IMDB

A Tale of Two Sisters is a South Korean movie directed by Kim Ji-woon and is both the highest-grossing Korean horror film and the first to be screened in American theatres.

It is a tale of the love of family, and sweet little puppies and kittens. Well not really, it is the tale of a mentally disturbed girl, just released from the crazy house, and all the fun that she brings home. We don’t like to give spoilers, so if you want you can read the wikipedia entry here

But Hollywood decided to call it The Uninvited, why?

We asked Wolfy, who said, “I don’t know, but it had subtitles."

So please Hollywood, stop taking great movies and adding stars and special effects, just teach the audience to read and release the originals.

We also hope that the studios don't know, Oldboy is part of a trilogy.

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